The White Light

The white light wraps around my brain.

Taking another hit

I scamper to the home screen

With the knowingness that it’s not what I need

But it’s what I want

I check all 6 of my social media platforms, refreshing them two times each just in case someone decided to reach out to me.

Then I drink deeply from the feed.

Scrolling sips of sustenance for my starved mind. The mind that left this body just for a while to become a part of something bigger, greater.

[A commune of hungry ghosts searching for freedom]

I tape my eyes to the screen, i try to leave

With the realisation that it’s not what I want

But it’s what I need

And I can’t


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Steaming tea mists the windows and the trickles of tears remind me of winter
The grey view.
Brushing off my senses, to the real task
The mind wipes the dirt off of it’s database and rumbles into action, searching,
The vacuum whirs
A headache of knowing that you are going to do something, and you do not know what.

The ache reaches to your loins, the innermost parts of you,
pressing into the fear that underlies your every action, that you might not be able to manage today, that you might die.

But there’s no use in dying
Not today
Try finding a line, for the song of it
Even if there is nothing to say

It’s gaping you know
The truth.
I see you living in the in-between places in your mind
because of pain.
Even pain that’s not around anymore.
Even pain that you made to warm yourself.

Look at your reflection in the hourglass, sister
The only you you ever knew
and take flickers from the water,
make a periscope,
and watch them fly.



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Image by Ruatsanga