Until that day

Heart thumping in my head,
Sometimes my feet tingle.
My numb hands hold tightly in regret
If only I could just…


There’s nothing else to do,
Just the waiting game.
My friends are the raindrops
While the smiling assassin passes onwards on the waves.

Until that day,

The feeling screeches like a chalk
Dragged slowly over its board,
Stitching, Scratching,
Relentless, until it becomes a part of you.

Until that day,

I’m clinging to my chrysalis
Routines and creature comforts,
Keep me human,
Help me find my way again

To the blank slate

That gives me comfort
When I can feel it
Giving reason to the thumping,
That I can hold if I can make it,
That I might find
And meet my maker.

Until that day,

A smiling swallow limps
Through the valley of grey
To the end light
Where the wind carves
Around a Lotus Flower.

 

 

The Difference

…The Moon and the Water…

So much talking about normal
When I don’t understand
Why do you not understand.

Do you not trust me?

God knows I’m an amnesiac…
Everyone’s entitled
To their own great expectations.
That’s fine,
Pinpointed,
But I’m me, I’m mine.

Just trying to see
The fine line
Between the words
And the meaning.

Whatever the Mothers and Sons bring
If you decide to watch,
Not just me but the others too,
Let us Fall
On stone or soft grass.
As scars heal,
We’ll have the feeling
To know the difference.

Please,

Let me let the space in.
To be,
And to find the courage
To feel the difference.

 

-Ben

Circles: Cycles #4

Moods swing like the tick of a clock

Letting being happen

 

Making a noise

A footstep

To be trod unto,

A path followed,

That will one day end

At the door of a new beginnings

 

Feelings tock

Emotions tick

Sensation points to something

One thing

One day known

On a cold Sunday celebration

 

Each and every hand and heart will

Cross a line

And cross another, and cross another

Making circles

Together

Serenity

A feeling of oneness

With everything around

The wood

The animals

And the trees

 

The bird song is music

A celebration of kinship

 

There is nowhere else to go

Right now

One just sits in the hollow of the feeling,

Nature’s arms wrapped around one as a mother would

To a child,

Bringing them closer

To connect

And protect

 

Together

Nature and I

Lie in peace

In a willingness to leave

An unashamed cry

 

Soon it will end

Which is fine

As long as I can try

To remember

The time when I felt whole,

Engulfed in Serenity

 

The Grey

The pulling up on my neck,

an accidental asphyxiation,

became the tangled constriction

of my column of life.

 

Stable turned upside down

Uprooted

An Animal

Lost in place

 

I don’t know where I am anymore.

I lean back.

 

Same sounds, same noises;

muted;

Tinted in an air of emptiness,

and a hollow blur

of grey shades

that coat the sights of memories

 

A flicker of blue fire leaves the source

making it’s mark through impressions

on the supple

and layers on the stiff

 

A far reach turns into a little too much,

the lack of breath

turns to a lack of movement

‘till the earthy self

is now just concrete.

The fire’s flickered out.

Little One

Your coat is warm to the touch

Bathing in the sun again

The sleepy look on your face

says it all

 

You know

Don’t you?

Your tail is wagging like a lunatic

 

Sorry I have to leave you

Little one

I know you can smell it on me

The sadness

Your little nose is twitching like it does when you know

You’re still smiling at the goodbye’s

Nuzzling the rope to unknown lands

And the guarded green realms

Tilting your head at me

 

It’s Christmas again because I gave you a treat

Running around all of the corners

Wiggling all over the place

The Wobbliest In the evening

 

You know the punch line to all of my jokes

And the voices I make when I’m happy or sad

You always snuggle up to me

Or stand in the open

looking up to see

how to fix it

 

You put your head on my lap and followed my eyes with yours

As we said goodbye

Wandering

Let the birds watch you

and listen to their call

Simply

Because it is beautiful

 

Let the feet walk you

wherever they ponder,

feel the dry mud and cool stone

maybe the crisp crackles of the twigs

will speak to you

 

Nature knows something

That it is fine

 

Ride the feeling into blissful silence

Simply to have a listen

 

Explore the rough bark of the trees,

They sit there quietly for many centuries

you know

 

There’s no need of a journey,

just simply wander

wondering

Change

Hours lost their meaning to me

Time just moves like a blur or light and dark

This doesn’t mean that I don’t remember

the shoulds or the shouldn’t’s

no, they eat at my soul, my belly.

But

I suppose it’s just about keeping going

Self knowing, sometimes when possible

as long as the heart is beating

and one can listen to the sound of the rain

beating down roof and the windows

Then it seems like

everything is alright

 

There are pick me ups

then the inevitable falls

The less the better

although the sharing does count for something

you know

when it’s better

to be clean and warm and dry, it’s not real.

Resisting the waves,

noone ever really wins

we all wash up on the shore,

with our memories,

becoming the skeletons in our closets,

 

The taste of joy one day in our mouths

one day becomes blood

Yet we never really live like that,

Like the little things now would ever really leave,

Gods granted,

Not until we lose, that

is, only the emptiness speaks fully.

Just remember the day of our births

the blur of indifferent curiosity,

the way it was,

it changed.

 

And do we ever change

really

Ways to be: Cycles #3

I read a book on Zen Buddhism

by my favouritest author

and thought,

thinking, so hard

about the way

to get to thoughtless

to peace

to one

that I ran out of steps in my walk

I ran out of numbers in the day

 

I thought

 

Until my limbs turned cold,

I lay down

to rest

my soul in pieces

 

After hours, lying to myself,

alone, time

passing from one ear to another,

trying to lift an arm

or a heart

or searching for a better

way to be

While sipping milk out of a straw.

 

No white light,

Just the fall,

And no need to fight,

The silence.

 

Letting go of motivations,

for recovery

from the pace

of the marathon

To feel the seasons,

summer, autumn,

winter, spring,

 

Finding warmth again

I saw

the lotus flower

opening