Nah no more selling myself for chocolate
for a sugar wrapped up
it boxes me into my own brain
a landmine of pleasure
it makes me tremor
(‘it’s plain that I think that I need it’?)
I used to measure my kale before it went in the steamer
all the cupboards were full of chicken and cottage cheese
my health was messy
I thought it couldn’t be cleaner
a counterculture to addiction
I created duality
More of me on a mission
it was creating my prison
the only answer to the energy I have to spend
was not to spend…
but my mind breaks into my problems
the ones it tries to mend
it rips them.
then i feel like a fool for not knowing,
but seeing is the only tool that I needed, no showing:
It performs itself in a moment of no judgement
Closed curtains open
The red is gone.
condemnation is a road to (‘a subtle’?) obliteration
I feel empty and heavy now that I ate the cake
a body shatters that I tried to make
my cloudy head chokes my sense
and all the steps I made.
I’m like the last runner tripping in the relay
Like a dog with a flat nose
I feel the pedigree of an addict-
going at it (‘biting back it’s’?)
Going rabbid in my thoughts..
fuck the feeling I want more-
-I always taught to listen to the feeling
cause the feeling has more meaning
than a thought could have
but now a thought has got me
by the throat
Needing a boat I rush down to the river
not for the water but the exercise…
I need to be thinner
Feeling like I’m pulled high and low at the same time
Hoping to find my feet in the future
So I can sink down from my dreams
To stop averting landmines of pleasure
Cause pleasure has no need to be pain
and I have no need to eat for leisure.
This is actually a first draft of a spoken word poetry piece that I have been working on a set for recently.
It felt appropriate to share it on this blog.
Stay strong. x