The first time I felt my heart open after 5 years of it being mostly closed, and another 5 of it being most completely so, I finally understood what had been bugging me all this time (and why I closed it in the first place). This opening felt overwhelming, in the sense that with my recognition of the love that I felt in that moment, fear that I had not felt in years returned sharply.
People that have closed hearts mostly are not aware of this. They simply attempt to fill it with other means, and have mostly forgotten what it feels like to truly love. When one veers so far from the feeling of fear, and of love, it is easy to forget why I do anything in the first place. This is because in the same way that those who are numb do not feel love, they are also numb to their own feeling of fear. It has become a vague memory to them, an itching that never leaves, and echoes every action and every moment as an underlying buzz, as it had to me. In me this manifested in a trying to escape the present moment by any means necessary. I was an escape the moment ninja. I could backflip over my own insecurity towards the chocolate and ninja star my laptop on in mid air.
I understand now that one does not wait to feel. Ones simply faces their suffering and opens their heart by relaxing into it. One always loves (as one always fears), it is merely a case of recognising it in the present moment. It is a practice of opening ones heart in the present. Opening up to love also opens you up to pain, suffering. The truth is however, that you were always loving, and always in pain. You either live with this awareness and participate in the expression of this loving and fearing, or you let it love and fear you.
When you begin to practice the opening of your heart, to love and to fear (suffering), in the present moment, a path of inspiration magnetises you. This seems to be the path of right action, and if you can live in the present with an open heart, feeling your love and your fear, yet still continuing in the direction that is opening and beckoning itself to you, then you can live with full conscience and purpose.
A good read on this practice of living with an open heart would be ‘The Way of the Superior Man’ by David Deida. I’d highly recommend this to men and women. However especially to men. The same author also has other works that are more specifically directed towards women which may feel more appropriate. These can be found online also with a quick search.
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