The Relationship Polarity. Understanding Sexual Dynamics.

This post is for anyone interested in sexual dynamics, and especially for anyone that is struggling or frustrated in a relationship.

Note that during this post I speak in the terms ‘Guy’ and ‘Girl’ to represent the poles of the Masculine and Feminine energies, regardless of gender.


We live in a world in which we feel that we largely have control over our lives and our selves. This is an age of empowerment, and in such a world we want to change the world and make our mark. This is healthy; this is a fantastic thing; it is exciting stuff. HOWEVER… As with any positive, there comes a negative, and this quality is no exception. Our want to change people and the way they think can work to our detriment.

For most people, this manifests itself in relationships.

A guy and a girl meet. From the moment that they see each-other, immediately there is a spark of attraction. A ripple of pleasure shoots through each of their bodies upon making eye contact. The two share themselves with each other, and the two become close. Yet still, all is very mysterious, the possibilities are as an endless horizon. Eventually they become intimate and spend the night together. This process could happen in an hour or a month or more or less. They continue to share each others intimacies, and they become a couple, or they teeter off.

They stay together for a while, and despite their differences, they continue to share their intimacies and be generally fulfilled… Only after a while, the other starts to get on their nerves.

“She so unreasonable! She’s just so over-emotional.”

“He’s so driven, I wish he would put our relationship first, it should be his main priority.”

This is a generalisation, however I’m sure you’ve felt something along these lines in regards to someone. (regardless of gender)

I would like to introduce you to an idea.

This idea is that of the masculine and feminine energies. It is based on the Chinese philosophy of the Yin and Yang aspects of being, constantly moving, balancing each-other out in the dance of existence.

Hot and Cold, Day and Night, Up and Down, Left and Right. Polar opposites working together in harmony to form a complementary whole.

The Masculine and the Feminine Polarities:

The Masculine Essence: The masculine essence is attracted to the feminine essence.

Qualities of Masculine Essence, Examples:

  • Rational, methodical.
  • Fights for freedom/release.
  • What is said and done is based on facts and ideas/words.
  • Grows by challenge.
  • Penetrates way through life.
  • Main Priority is Higher Purpose of life.
  • Prefers to be in control.
  • Guns, Fighting, Sports

The Feminine Essence: The feminine essence is attracted to the masculine essence.

Qualities of Feminine Essence, Examples:

  • Emotional.
  • to be filled.
  • What is said and done is based on feelings in the moment.
  • Grows by praise.
  • Feels way through life.
  • Main Priority is Relationship.
  • Prefers to let loose.
  • Music, Nature, Dancing

Now, let me make this PERFECTLY CLEAR: Everyone has both masculine and feminine elements. One might even be neutral/both/none.

The important point that I am making is that one is attracted sexually one’s opposite. Meaning if you are in a relationship with someone you are sexually-attracted to, then the things that make you different are what KEEPS you both polarised/sexually-attracted to one another. Meaning that you are not going to understand each other completely. You are not going to be the same. The things that make you different are often the things that you fear about another individual, but they are also the same things that attract you sexually to the very same individual.

Keep this in mind firmly when you feel like changing your partner. You might be depolarising your relationship; you might ‘rub off’ on each other as it were. Ask yourself do you really want her to be more like you? (and vice versa) You won’t have anything beautiful to see in your partner is they are just you, you might as well look in the mirror.

Let this digest a little. Have a think about it, or even better, let it sink in and feel as to whether you can relate to any of the above. Do you control your partner because of fear?


A big point to note is that according to the laws of Yin and Yang, these two polar opposites will always balance eachother out. This is so with relationships. If you are neutral, your partner will likely eventually become neutral. If you are the more masculine, your partner will balance you by becoming more feminine. And the more polarised the couple are, the more of a magnetic pull there will be. The partner with the more feminine essence will compensate by becoming more masculine, when the masculine is not meeting the feminine at her level and vice versa.

This is a serious revelation to be aware of.

Do use this blog post as a tool to possibly identify where you stand in regards to your core essence, and where you stand in regards to the polarity of your relationship…

OR much much better, read one of David Deida’s books... If this post has challenged you, or sparked feelings inside of you, then I would encourage that you do so. You will be challenged. You will find gifts: Read one.

This idea was taken and inspired directly from the book: ‘The Way of the Superior Man’. Here is an Amazon link

I have no affiliation with David or any of his books or his publishers, I have merely been struck by the value of this concept as a revelation for myself. I hope you will be served by these insights also.

Let me finish with a great quote by the Taoist Sage, Lao Tzu:

“He who knows others is clever; He who knows himself has discernment.”


-Ben

If you were sparked this post, then I would recommend that you check out this post also.

How do you feel about this post. Do you have any further resources or ideas that you’d like to share with people? I’d love to know your thoughts! Comment down below.

 

How to Revitalise your Practice.

How should one practice?

It has always seemed like a mystery to me how some people seem to pick up an instrument and intuitively know how to methodically practice and progress themselves through levels of skill.

Maybe it’s my lack of formal education, but for me I have always just intuitively picked up things and played. That is to say, I progress on an improvisatory and creative level, but in regards to technique and formal repertoire, I have always largely lacked.

Discipline largely has a lot to do with success in the endeavour of learning any skill (or discipline). This begins before the practice session even begins: when am I going to practice, How long for, and what am I practicing? You need your game plan set in stone before you. You don’t necessarily have to follow it to a tee, but you need it there if you are going to progress skilfully.

Practice adds up, it really does. At times when I have sat down in a disciplined way to learn a skill, I have ALWAYS learned what I have practiced fully and with integrity.

However this discipline often teeters out within a couple of weeks of hard grind. It teeters out because it becomes largely a chore. The fire that got me started gets kindled out and I am left with the empty shell of my previous commitment. Just going through the motions leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Through some soul searching I thought I had found the key. It was that I was pushing too hard. So I did the intuitive thing and went in completely the other direction, becoming completely playful again. My lost love came flooding back. I began to ENJOY practicing again. Jesus had I missed THIS.

However… AGAIN there was a piece missing.

I was not making progress in the same way. My skills were becoming tighter within what I already knew, but I knew little. I was not GROWING and EXPANDING my boundaries. I felt like I was stuck in a rut, and I was. Stuck in a shell. A shell that needed to be broken out of in order to be born again.

SO.

I turned for help. I read and read and read and searched and asked. To no avail. People just intuitively knew, but nobody could explain where I was going wrong and HOW to rectify it.

UNTIL recently I came across a book that told me to follow my fire. To follow my fire was to aim for my deepest truth. I was set alight like a furnace. I had fire in my belly like never before, and I was ready to get out there and FIGHT for my convictions. Because I KNEW my deepest truth.

The reason that I was getting lost is that I had lost my VISION. My purpose, my reason for starting.

Suddenly, troubles with practice were a thing of the past. Tired grinds and constant pushing were mere memories, because now I had fire under my ass and it was alighting me to the moon.

It was clear that the problem was that I needed to direct this energy. Now I set a period of time every day to practice. I write a list using the method from THIS Youtube video.

And I get it done. In fact I estimate that I get around about 6-7x more done than I used to, and I’m barely having to push myself. I’m walking on air with the wind behind me.

Takeaway:

If you are having trouble practicing or finding motivation to do so:

FIND your fire. You cannot force it in any direction. You are either avoiding your inspiration or you are saying YES to it, in which case you know what to do. Any artist knows that you don’t chose what to be inspired about, inspiration choses YOU… you’ve just got to say yes to life. And to say yes to life is to say yes to fear and yes to the possibility of pain.

Let me leave you with this quote to ponder over, by the great man himself, Ralph Waldo Emerson:

‘Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.’

Step up. Feed your soul.

Yours,

Ben


If you liked this post then here’s another post that you might enjoy. 

Questions in Spilled Words

 

Up,

This

Is the

Problem

To think of.

For anything

Worth the sweat

Of our brow or of the

Grinding teeth that keep

Us half asleep at night, wriggles,

Turns and unfinished murmurs off of

The edge of tongues on the ways we might fail.

When there is might in the certainty of nothingness,

Still, can anyone accept his own downfall in the moment now,

To venture out into the mysterious emptiness, the darkness, in depths.

Holding fast in fluidity, we can conquer the demons that keep us as prisoners in

Our own minds. The stale stories that we still tell ourselves, or have been told from birth hurt

As we break in the bones of conformity. And the fascial adhesions still keep us joined at the hip, bound to

Societies' expectations of what we maybe might achieve, and still we hold our emotions down in our stomachs and

Quiver at sights of flamboyant eccentricity. A call to arms became a call to body and mind and self altogether whatever the

Differences. New ages are contained in the disintegration of a moment before the wind changes, Changing - Nothing can hold us

Down.

 

-Ben

Articulating the Self.

Articulation.

Most of us don’t articulate ourselves with ease. We all want to be listened to and heard. However most of us aren’t.

To articulate is to be focused, and to be distinct. Articulation is to bring the articles of your being into light.

 

 

The feeling that one gets when one watches and listens to those who stand for what they believe in – Those who speak from a place of truth, these poets, these icons -nThe goosebumps are stimulated, the eyes widened, the feeling of rising in your stomach.

Watch those who you love to watch talk. And watch those of whom you love the sound of their voices. They touch us. They move us.

How can we smile with our full beings from your heart to the tip of your head if we cannot articulate ourselves? We cannot, because we are full already with tension.

We hold our feelings back with the tensions in our chest, neck, and jaw. To articulate ourselves we must let our vibrations move, and in turn we shall move others.

The reason that we do not articulate our feelings is because we make ourselves smaller in order not to be seen. We fill ourselves up with stoppages; ‘I shouldn’t say that.’ or ‘Be quite, don’t speak.’ We block ourselves.

I challenge you to be seen – as I am challenging myself now. Give away the blocks that stop you from being heard, let them go.

Loosen your jaw, let it talk you.

‘A leader gives articulation to the imagination of the population.’ – Dr Jordan Peterson

 

-Ben

The Way to Learn Skills

Skills within Skills within Skills. They are progressive, they are meticulous. A conscientious individual will find themselves with more than they came for if one continuous to practice in this way.

My Sifu once told me: ‘When you practice one technique, you are practicing them all’.

This is true of any skill. When you are learning a skill correctly, developing yourself in this area of your life, it has a cascading ripple effect onto the other areas of your life.

The approach that I have taken recently has been one of the slow and diligent learning of each individual technique that is presented to me to learn. Take the time to get each one perfect.

For example, my foremost martial art is Practical Wing Chun Kung Fu. During training, the temptation is to try and learn the most fancy and complex move possible. First and foremost this is because it looks cool, and feels ninja’y. However, those in class who really flourish at the martial art are those who take the time to practice the basics as if they were the end goal. They practice them as if they were hallowed, perfecting each tiny adjustment in order to have great structure and great power generation. They always are in the perfect shape and the advantageous position.

This approach to learning yields results. I would invite you to give it a try… To learn your piano scales as if they were the handling of a baby. As if each note required precision and great care; perfectly placed

This may take a week of practicing for 1-2 hours a day, but you continue in your daily practice once or twice a day when you have the chance, and you will get to a point of proficiency and ease. The scales will be in your hands. Now it is time for you to practice faster. When you get a note wrong, then you slow down a bit and work with mindfulness of this structural weakness in your skill… When you get it flowing with ease, you may speed it up more.

Then you move on to the next progression from the scale and apply the former into your music… Musical progressions.

‘Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice perfect.’ – Vince Lombardi

-Ben

For those that are lost…

Write. Speak. Jump up and down.

It’s mad how long we can travel down the same path of fogginess. We are just floating through nowhere, from nowhere, and we goddamn hate it!

I challenge you to write. Just do it.

Writing changes everything. When you write it is as when you speak to others that you trust. You let go of the tensions that you are holding inside of yourself, you are letting it splurge out onto the paper. The act of letting yourself make the connection of your mind to the paper or the screen or whatever you use, it is going to shift your energy outside of yourself. If you successfully make this connection, this transition of energy, then this trapped energy will be unleashed onto the page, and you will find in your connection and your internal response to this energy the answers to your questions.

One must look at this energy, these words, with the advising eye of a best friend. Treat this energy truthfully, for it is you. Observe yourself! Watch your thoughts, your posture, your responses. First and foremost, feel your reaction to this watching. Do not let yourself be caught up in what one should or should not think, but allow yourself to see as if there were no right and wrong, only what is and is not. Let your response to this connection teach you of yourself. Let your response to your watching and listening teach you of your truth.

Now if you have not already found your way via these teachings, then seek inspiration. Seek those who inspire you, those who light a fire inside of you, who excite you! Those that you find yourself almost jumping out of your chair when spending time with. And again remember and understand through your responses, that the teachings that you will take from them is not what they tell you your internal response to their stance. Your patterns are your teachers.

The guidance that you receive from those that inspire you is the practice that you can practice in order to find your way.

Know this: that it is in the practice that you shall find your ground. Your internal response to the (consistent!) practice of this guidance will tell you what you need to know, and once you know that, you will be on your way.

 

‘The art is in the doing of it’ -Sandy Meisner

– Ben

Memory.

Wandering greens and greys in red tint,

I entered the mouth of a giant.

It washed me with cool air.

Heartbeats of trees

Thumped through the floor under my feet,

Thoughts trickled with the water.

While the ferns followed the waves of the breeze,

The wind nursed me into quiet.

A pitter patter of ducks and  wandered the riverside,

And there behind the trees a yellow light glowed,

Casting bronze between the branches.

Then I walked 4 miles of thoughts.

I spent my feelings on food

And my food for a feeling.

I sat in the quiet of a room,

‘My room’,

Nursing the numb I’d aquired with focus, with focus.

And as weariness takes me,

I roll around and around,

Looking for the cold parts of the sheets,

Until it is stained with me,

And I think about the yellow light, and the ducks, and the thumping of the hearts of the trees in the feeling of my feet.

And it didn’t matter anymore…

An image of colour and light,

Such a beautiful memory…

-Ben

The Truth

I wander streets in the night, I do. I practice kung fu under the street lights at the end of a dark road at quarter to 2.

Sometimes I thought I had it all figured out.

Swivelling between knowing and unknowing the point of the universe and all of its problems.

It’s a feeling and it comes up deep from my balls and my gut, and my head opens as if it was the same as everything else all along.

Talking about it sometimes, people think I’ve gone crazy. I feel it never occurred to them that I’ve seen something that possibly they haven’t.

It’s true that it’s selfish, but I struggle to see where else I can start other than from the self.

Or maybe the cork popped up in the old brain and I’m now a walking liability.

I don’t know.

I think about words sometimes. Trying to figure out why and where from. My need for insecurity rearing its little nose.

Liability: The ability to lie.

Sometimes I feel like I want to die. It sinks quickly from the high of fullness, down to the low of lost.

I miss the old days that never were, and I miss the opportunity for a life in a fantasy kingdom imagined by writers in a writing room.

I sometimes feel like a ripple a pond. Sometimes I feel like a grain of sand at the bottom of an ocean.

The way the world is looking scares me and I don’t know what to do about it… Is it the feeling or the world?

I love myself, and I hate myself too.

And I get confused about who ‘myself’ is every day.

My back aches from the weary neglect of hours at gyms in the night. And the sweat of anxiety linger as scars to today.i

It’s easy to forget that there is nothing to lose in telling the truth.

-Ben

One and Other

Light and grounded

Floor and emptiness

More can be said of nothing and something

than each of one another

 

lengthen the short

to shorten the long

feelings knew all along

 

they swam in the waves given them

moulding paths and shapes

each moulding one another

until indistinguishable

 

The mind takes view

it carves out a separation

makes one into two and 3 into 4

 

fixing problems, creating more two’s

intervening

until too many to hold

all collapse into each other

 

Feeling need of one and other

 

the shapeless circle continues

not fighting a mind for knowing

for there is nothing to know

and no mind to know it.

 

-Ben

 

 

 

A Call to Awareness.

People that bully are put into the category of bullies. Personally don’t feel that they are  just ‘bullies’. It’s easy to label… Much harder it is to listen between the lines.

‘Bullies’ are trouble people. They take it out on others, because they have felt that it is the best or only way to deal with this amount of suffering. They literally throw it off of themselves, and put it on other people. Or there are also those that follow because they are lost. They stand over others, because they don’t understand…

This is a psychological phenomenon. A product of discontentment in a society,  and a sign of social unrest, the best thing that we as a people can do is to feel it, talk about it, and try to understand it. All of us. We all learn through our awareness’ of our feeling’.

 

Categorising people is a great way of knowing what flavour they are, and whether you like the taste.

Keaton is a brave guy, and I have the utmost respect for his struggle, and his ability to talk about it. It takes character to stand up to what has gone socially unchallenged, however locally.
-Ben