The Relationship Polarity. Understanding Sexual Dynamics.

This post is for anyone interested in sexual dynamics, and especially for anyone that is struggling or frustrated in a relationship.

Note that during this post I speak in the terms ‘Guy’ and ‘Girl’ to represent the poles of the Masculine and Feminine energies, regardless of gender.


We live in a world in which we feel that we largely have control over our lives and our selves. This is an age of empowerment, and in such a world we want to change the world and make our mark. This is healthy; this is a fantastic thing; it is exciting stuff. HOWEVER… As with any positive, there comes a negative, and this quality is no exception. Our want to change people and the way they think can work to our detriment.

For most people, this manifests itself in relationships.

A guy and a girl meet. From the moment that they see each-other, immediately there is a spark of attraction. A ripple of pleasure shoots through each of their bodies upon making eye contact. The two share themselves with each other, and the two become close. Yet still, all is very mysterious, the possibilities are as an endless horizon. Eventually they become intimate and spend the night together. This process could happen in an hour or a month or more or less. They continue to share each others intimacies, and they become a couple, or they teeter off.

They stay together for a while, and despite their differences, they continue to share their intimacies and be generally fulfilled… Only after a while, the other starts to get on their nerves.

“She so unreasonable! She’s just so over-emotional.”

“He’s so driven, I wish he would put our relationship first, it should be his main priority.”

This is a generalisation, however I’m sure you’ve felt something along these lines in regards to someone. (regardless of gender)

I would like to introduce you to an idea.

This idea is that of the masculine and feminine energies. It is based on the Chinese philosophy of the Yin and Yang aspects of being, constantly moving, balancing each-other out in the dance of existence.

Hot and Cold, Day and Night, Up and Down, Left and Right. Polar opposites working together in harmony to form a complementary whole.

The Masculine and the Feminine Polarities:

The Masculine Essence: The masculine essence is attracted to the feminine essence.

Qualities of Masculine Essence, Examples:

  • Rational, methodical.
  • Fights for freedom/release.
  • What is said and done is based on facts and ideas/words.
  • Grows by challenge.
  • Penetrates way through life.
  • Main Priority is Higher Purpose of life.
  • Prefers to be in control.
  • Guns, Fighting, Sports

The Feminine Essence: The feminine essence is attracted to the masculine essence.

Qualities of Feminine Essence, Examples:

  • Emotional.
  • to be filled.
  • What is said and done is based on feelings in the moment.
  • Grows by praise.
  • Feels way through life.
  • Main Priority is Relationship.
  • Prefers to let loose.
  • Music, Nature, Dancing

Now, let me make this PERFECTLY CLEAR: Everyone has both masculine and feminine elements. One might even be neutral/both/none.

The important point that I am making is that one is attracted sexually one’s opposite. Meaning if you are in a relationship with someone you are sexually-attracted to, then the things that make you different are what KEEPS you both polarised/sexually-attracted to one another. Meaning that you are not going to understand each other completely. You are not going to be the same. The things that make you different are often the things that you fear about another individual, but they are also the same things that attract you sexually to the very same individual.

Keep this in mind firmly when you feel like changing your partner. You might be depolarising your relationship; you might ‘rub off’ on each other as it were. Ask yourself do you really want her to be more like you? (and vice versa) You won’t have anything beautiful to see in your partner is they are just you, you might as well look in the mirror.

Let this digest a little. Have a think about it, or even better, let it sink in and feel as to whether you can relate to any of the above. Do you control your partner because of fear?


A big point to note is that according to the laws of Yin and Yang, these two polar opposites will always balance eachother out. This is so with relationships. If you are neutral, your partner will likely eventually become neutral. If you are the more masculine, your partner will balance you by becoming more feminine. And the more polarised the couple are, the more of a magnetic pull there will be. The partner with the more feminine essence will compensate by becoming more masculine, when the masculine is not meeting the feminine at her level and vice versa.

This is a serious revelation to be aware of.

Do use this blog post as a tool to possibly identify where you stand in regards to your core essence, and where you stand in regards to the polarity of your relationship…

OR much much better, read one of David Deida’s books... If this post has challenged you, or sparked feelings inside of you, then I would encourage that you do so. You will be challenged. You will find gifts: Read one.

This idea was taken and inspired directly from the book: ‘The Way of the Superior Man’. Here is an Amazon link

I have no affiliation with David or any of his books or his publishers, I have merely been struck by the value of this concept as a revelation for myself. I hope you will be served by these insights also.

Let me finish with a great quote by the Taoist Sage, Lao Tzu:

“He who knows others is clever; He who knows himself has discernment.”


-Ben

If you were sparked this post, then I would recommend that you check out this post also.

How do you feel about this post. Do you have any further resources or ideas that you’d like to share with people? I’d love to know your thoughts! Comment down below.

 

How to get out of a Rut!

We all want to be our best selves, we all want to live our best lives.

Yet so few of us actually do so! Bucket loads of potential is wasted every day by plethoras of people thinking about what could have been done, or why it cannot be done now; Most people do this. That is why most people are NOT their best selves.

I say this only as someone who has partaken in negative thinking incessantly for the vast majority of my life. SO much energy wasted on creating negative patterns of thinking which led to negative actions and behaviour, which led to me feeling… you guessed it, like a pile of s***.

I call this pattern a rut. You’ve heard the saying. ‘Being stuck in a rut‘. Never did I think about what this really means.

Litterally: A rut is a vehicle track created by repeating the same path over and over and over, so much so that it becomes the only easy path to it’s end once a vehicle is in it.

To get out of a rut, one has to get out of the vehicle that they are travelling in, take a good look around, decide he’s had enough, and climb the hell out of there. To get out of a rut, one needs to remove HIMSELF from the rut, and take a NEW path. This involves leaving the well trodden trail behind. This involves going your own way: putting YOUR purpose FIRST.

Be your own vehicle for change.

Now if you feel like you are stuck in a rut, which most of us are to some degree. Here is what I would offer you:


STOP what you are doing now. I want you to look at the thoughts that come up for yourself. Are they positive, are they negative? Are they conducive to LOVE and CREATION? and most importantly, DO THEY SUPPORT YOU?

If your thoughts are not supporting you, then I reccomend checking out


YOU first. If you want to grow, you must prioritise your purpose on this earth before all else. And once you begin to say yes to this, your purpose will come to you, oh yes it will, and you will float up the fruits of the tree of life and receive the blessings from your toil.

But this ain’t going to be easy, this is why anyone rarely does it. They stay in the rut, and moan about being in a rut to themselves. I’ve done it too. A lot.

To face your fears is to ‘kiss your shadows’ and become intimate with that which causes you pain. This is a part of life… and to live fully is oh so full of life.

For those of you in a rut. Who do you need to be in order to share your gift with the world? Who do you need to be in order to fulfil your true purpose in life? Only you can know. One can only ask for guidance in return for the expression of your gifts.

To finish, following my former post, another quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

‘To be great is to be misunderstood.’

Be great. Be true. Be you.

P.S. If you have any interesting resources that you’d like to share, send them over! I’m always looking for new insight and inspiration.

Your friend,

Ben


If you liked this post then here’s another post that you might enjoy. 

Photography by James Frid

How to Revitalise your Practice.

How should one practice?

It has always seemed like a mystery to me how some people seem to pick up an instrument and intuitively know how to methodically practice and progress themselves through levels of skill.

Maybe it’s my lack of formal education, but for me I have always just intuitively picked up things and played. That is to say, I progress on an improvisatory and creative level, but in regards to technique and formal repertoire, I have always largely lacked.

Discipline largely has a lot to do with success in the endeavour of learning any skill (or discipline). This begins before the practice session even begins: when am I going to practice, How long for, and what am I practicing? You need your game plan set in stone before you. You don’t necessarily have to follow it to a tee, but you need it there if you are going to progress skilfully.

Practice adds up, it really does. At times when I have sat down in a disciplined way to learn a skill, I have ALWAYS learned what I have practiced fully and with integrity.

However this discipline often teeters out within a couple of weeks of hard grind. It teeters out because it becomes largely a chore. The fire that got me started gets kindled out and I am left with the empty shell of my previous commitment. Just going through the motions leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Through some soul searching I thought I had found the key. It was that I was pushing too hard. So I did the intuitive thing and went in completely the other direction, becoming completely playful again. My lost love came flooding back. I began to ENJOY practicing again. Jesus had I missed THIS.

However… AGAIN there was a piece missing.

I was not making progress in the same way. My skills were becoming tighter within what I already knew, but I knew little. I was not GROWING and EXPANDING my boundaries. I felt like I was stuck in a rut, and I was. Stuck in a shell. A shell that needed to be broken out of in order to be born again.

SO.

I turned for help. I read and read and read and searched and asked. To no avail. People just intuitively knew, but nobody could explain where I was going wrong and HOW to rectify it.

UNTIL recently I came across a book that told me to follow my fire. To follow my fire was to aim for my deepest truth. I was set alight like a furnace. I had fire in my belly like never before, and I was ready to get out there and FIGHT for my convictions. Because I KNEW my deepest truth.

The reason that I was getting lost is that I had lost my VISION. My purpose, my reason for starting.

Suddenly, troubles with practice were a thing of the past. Tired grinds and constant pushing were mere memories, because now I had fire under my ass and it was alighting me to the moon.

It was clear that the problem was that I needed to direct this energy. Now I set a period of time every day to practice. I write a list using the method from THIS Youtube video.

And I get it done. In fact I estimate that I get around about 6-7x more done than I used to, and I’m barely having to push myself. I’m walking on air with the wind behind me.

Takeaway:

If you are having trouble practicing or finding motivation to do so:

FIND your fire. You cannot force it in any direction. You are either avoiding your inspiration or you are saying YES to it, in which case you know what to do. Any artist knows that you don’t chose what to be inspired about, inspiration choses YOU… you’ve just got to say yes to life. And to say yes to life is to say yes to fear and yes to the possibility of pain.

Let me leave you with this quote to ponder over, by the great man himself, Ralph Waldo Emerson:

‘Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.’

Step up. Feed your soul.

Yours,

Ben


If you liked this post then here’s another post that you might enjoy. 

The Fray

Days and hours,
A week,
Maybe a month
I lurk in the shadows.

Look
Find facilitation,
Take feeling,
Still it never has enough of the good stuff.
Drinking beginning fluids
Still never quenching
The depths in my bones
Only a brown fog of
Something
Somewhere…

Greed…
I see greed
Pouring out of me
Through need
And want to feed
On power
On feeling
On what?
You’ve got high’s and lows inside of you
You’re full of it
Makes me queasy

So day in and day out
Burns out
It becomes a chore and my muscles become sore
Bored
Tired
Burned out
I’m inspired up to my neck
And I can’t breath anymore

Songs in my head…
Loud silence.
A vessel of violence
Touting peace.

Resuscitate my childhood…

I wait
Let my stomach empty
And detail come to me
My ears hear the brustles of the brush
The crunch of feet on the stones
I slow,
Indulge in self
Until the fray fades
Into nothing

And the tug of war’s ending
Flowing out like a sea
And a turtle carries me
Now life’s clear,
I just need to be

Laughing, Learning,
Riding the wind
Observing yearning,
No swallows,
A sentiments ending’s
Never hollow

Just following the beat
Of the feet of a heart
First
I had stop
For it to start

The Fray…

It nearly tore me apart.

 


-Ben

If you liked this post, then I’d recommend checking out this post also.

Photograph by mali maeder

 

Passing By’s

Lust and dark thoughts
Empty corridors,
Bodies full
With doped smiles
And fire underneath the plastic

Wreaking stimulants,
Transient pleasures fill my lungs and enter my brain
The delightful fuck it
Whispering in my ear
Putting it’s hand on my thigh

Need not reason but a craving to pass the time
My heavy feet drag along the concrete
The taste of a dry mouth and a flaming neck
Seem so easy to quench with a sip or a toque of what they call ‘the good stuff’

Oh I know the lies
The passing by’s
The closed ears and blood shot eyes
Open mouthed gawping at the fantastic
Explaining like lion with mane
But not with pride
Something less
Something surface and without jest
A crack in the shell of machismo merchants
Who lurk in the alleys
Stinking of times passed,
Wounds to be filled with sugar-sand and broken glass

Never have I ever known the meaning of pleasure
Nobody knows better
Than a man who’s come back from the edge
Tasted the elixir
And swallowed it.
Bliss, Love, Ecstasy,
Then the anaesthesia ran out.

Not desperate
Now only does he drip with the sweat of his brow
Pure passion
Fire by love and fury
The only hit is his own fist
Sometimes does he tire
Never does he miss

He took the holy grail
Almost turned
But got rid of it,
How?

When tempted
Full of contempt
In thoughts
Stepping back from the ledge
Still falling but seeing
I count myself lucky
For the sight that is my gift
Sold easy for a trip,
The empty form of it.

No more second guessing.
From dark
I know the light,
And that’s a
Blessing.

 


-Ben

If you liked this post, then I’d recommend checking out this post also.

Photographer: Mali Maeder

Anxiety

The rest is for the better
It’s said ‘sleep is for the weak’
Suppose that trying makes one tired
And makes one need his sleep
Suppose that giving in,
Letting go of ones control,
Could make one see the reason for it
And give him save from woe

Until ones tired of this way
Suffering one just gives in
And only then does it begin
Observation
For no win

I’d pay the extra currency just to access retrospect
To see it through, to separate, and know it in my bones
Except
The darkest moment seems so real
Tearing consciousness from me
Telling me of what I know
Disdaining the unknown
Till I was over thrown
Not shown
That impulse
Taken up in fear
Can be worse than a hundred tears

It made me lose my way
One may be right to say
That is ‘Maybe it’s just a different way’
But heartfelt degradation
Despite of hesitation
Made me know that I had torn myself
From realisation
For visualisation
When desire replaced
My destiny

So I watched and payed a price
A sum I won’t pay twice
Or maybe that I will
At least I know it comes of will,
The shining serpent of my mind
That convinces one to kill
Yet
No need that I have found
No sensation or thill
Has ever taught me love of life
To follow feeling
Not the bill.
For mistakes have taught me well
Virtue, Sin, and Self
Have now to access
Heaven and Hell
Just a shadow on a shining surface
Separate from self.

I try not to talk it knowingly
As if I knew a thing
For truth is that I don’t
And it’s not me that writes these things

 


-Ben

If you liked this post, then I’d recommend checking out this post also.

Photographer: Kat Jayne

Until that day

Heart thumping in my head,
Sometimes my feet tingle.
My numb hands hold tightly in regret
If only I could just…


There’s nothing else to do,
Just the waiting game.
My friends are the raindrops
While the smiling assassin passes onwards on the waves.

Until that day,

The feeling screeches like a chalk
Dragged slowly over its board,
Stitching, Scratching,
Relentless, until it becomes a part of you.

Until that day,

I’m clinging to my chrysalis
Routines and creature comforts,
Keep me human,
Help me find my way again

To the blank slate

That gives me comfort
When I can feel it
Giving reason to the thumping,
That I can hold if I can make it,
That I might find
And meet my maker.

Until that day,

A smiling swallow limps
Through the valley of grey
To the end light
Where the wind carves
Around a Lotus Flower.

 

 

The Difference

…The Moon and the Water…

So much talking about normal
When I don’t understand
Why do you not understand.

Do you not trust me?

God knows I’m an amnesiac…
Everyone’s entitled
To their own great expectations.
That’s fine,
Pinpointed,
But I’m me, I’m mine.

Just trying to see
The fine line
Between the words
And the meaning.

Whatever the Mothers and Sons bring
If you decide to watch,
Not just me but the others too,
Let us Fall
On stone or soft grass.
As scars heal,
We’ll have the feeling
To know the difference.

Please,

Let me let the space in.
To be,
And to find the courage
To feel the difference.


-Ben

If you like this post, then I’d recommend checking out <a href"https://benharleyarts.com/2018/05/07/integrate/"this post also.

Circles: Cycles #4

Moods swing like the tick of a clock

Letting being happen

 

Making a noise

A footstep

To be trod unto,

A path followed,

That will one day end

At the door of a new beginnings

 

Feelings tock

Emotions tick

Sensation points to something

One thing

One day known

On a cold Sunday celebration

 

Each and every hand and heart will

Cross a line

And cross another, and cross another

Making circles

Together