The white light wraps around my brain.
Taking another hit
I scamper to the home screen
With the knowingness that it’s not what I need
But it’s what I want
I check all 6 of my social media platforms, refreshing them two times each just in case someone decided to reach out to me.
Then I drink deeply from the feed.
Scrolling sips of sustenance for my starved mind. The mind that left this body just for a while to become a part of something bigger, greater.
[A commune of hungry ghosts searching for freedom]
I tape my eyes to the screen, i try to leave
With the realisation that it’s not what I want
But it’s what I need
And I can’t
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When I’m pulled in the direction of my doom
A cringed face
A tug on my gut
That feels at once so wrong and at once so right
Like I enjoy my own demise
Like the rush of a vanishing act gone right
I could show you all in a moment just who I really am, including the shadows
LOOK AT ME
I scream silent throbs in my head
and I swallow the pleasure whole
I don’t even taste it
Just want to drown underneath it
Like my favourite blanket
So that i can’t hear anything anymore
except the dull hum of this womb-ish cocoon
A respite from the responsibility of my own pain,
My shallow deep breath,
and a waking sleep for my soul
but it doesn’t want to be asleep.
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Image by Kristina Paukshtite