To you that I have hurt

On behalf of myself

I am writing to say

I’m sorry

For all of the pain

The heartache

The sleepless nights coiled up in fetal positions

I never thought I could

Hurt anyone like I have

And I did

But before I hurt you

Before I ever hurt anybody

Know that I hurt me first

That the means through which pI grew to love myself was through the gritted teeth and the sweat and tears

Lifting the bars that I put on my own shoulders

I tied my wrists to the metal clink of burning

Walking through the early hours on abandoned streets with only one thing on my mind “you can do better”

So I ripped through my own lungs, my own heartstrings, as punishment for what I didn’t become, and what I was born to be

And then I met you

So soft

So sweet

And I never meant to hurt you, ever

But I did

And from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

Treat yourself well, and never let another hurt you like I did. Please.

Yours for eternity


Ben

The White Light

The white light wraps around my brain.

Taking another hit

I scamper to the home screen

With the knowingness that it’s not what I need

But it’s what I want

I check all 6 of my social media platforms, refreshing them two times each just in case someone decided to reach out to me.

Then I drink deeply from the feed.

Scrolling sips of sustenance for my starved mind. The mind that left this body just for a while to become a part of something bigger, greater.

[A commune of hungry ghosts searching for freedom]

I tape my eyes to the screen, i try to leave

With the realisation that it’s not what I want

But it’s what I need

And I can’t


-Ben

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Periscope

Steaming tea mists the windows and the trickles of tears remind me of winter
The grey view.
Brushing off my senses, to the real task
The mind wipes the dirt off of it’s database and rumbles into action, searching,
The vacuum whirs
A headache of knowing that you are going to do something, and you do not know what.

The ache reaches to your loins, the innermost parts of you,
pressing into the fear that underlies your every action, that you might not be able to manage today, that you might die.

But there’s no use in dying
Not today
Try finding a line, for the song of it
Even if there is nothing to say

It’s gaping you know
The truth.
I see you living in the in-between places in your mind
because of pain.
Even pain that’s not around anymore.
Even pain that you made to warm yourself.

Look at your reflection in the hourglass, sister
The only you you ever knew
and take flickers from the water,
make a periscope,
and watch them fly.

 


-Ben

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Image by Ruatsanga