Anxiety

The rest is for the better
It’s said ‘sleep is for the weak’
Suppose that trying makes one tired
And makes one need his sleep
Suppose that giving in,
Letting go of ones control,
Could make one see the reason for it
And give him save from woe

Until ones tired of this way
Suffering one just gives in
And only then does it begin
Observation
For no win

I’d pay the extra currency just to access retrospect
To see it through, to separate, and know it in my bones
Except
The darkest moment seems so real
Tearing consciousness from me
Telling me of what I know
Disdaining the unknown
Till I was over thrown
Not shown
That impulse
Taken up in fear
Can be worse than a hundred tears

It made me lose my way
One may be right to say
That is ‘Maybe it’s just a different way’
But heartfelt degradation
Despite of hesitation
Made me know that I had torn myself
From realisation
For visualisation
When desire replaced
My destiny

So I watched and payed a price
A sum I won’t pay twice
Or maybe that I will
At least I know it comes of will,
The shining serpent of my mind
That convinces one to kill
Yet
No need that I have found
No sensation or thill
Has ever taught me love of life
To follow feeling
Not the bill.
For mistakes have taught me well
Virtue, Sin, and Self
Have now to access
Heaven and Hell
Just a shadow on a shining surface
Separate from self.

I try not to talk it knowingly
As if I knew a thing
For truth is that I don’t
And it’s not me that writes these things

 


-Ben

If you liked this post, then I’d recommend checking out this post also.

Photographer: Kat Jayne

The Fear

Bright lights

Late nights

no reason

for former or latter

or the eyes

becoming watched

and unable to see

all in order to alleviate

The Fear.

 

The colour was stolen

by a grey thief,

an ogre under burned bridges

in shadows

 

A vacuum makes

the mind jump up and down,

though the dark nothing knows the body in it’s limpness

and tells why the blue waters turned a stagnant green,

why algae and fungus

rid the lily pads of youth,

becoming the green

on that it depended

 

To fall

or not to fall

 

The itch grows

It knaws slowly under the skin

Sapping at the life blood

 

It’s felt in the flowers and the trees

and the birds and the bees

and the insects

 

 

Once, layed on a soft pillow of green spires

a break to pass

while staring up at the sky,

the time to be filled

is so far away

still

just sleep…

 

Then seeing the original eye

in a cluster of cloud

in the shape of a lotus flower

 

Understanding a sight

A connection

The heart pumped oxygen into the belly of the wilder-beast

 

that Breathing strength through the ascension

of the paths of the mountain

and Listening

With unflinching peace,

beguiled leaves

to fall,

to be reborn.

 

 

-Ben

Integrate

Find the pieces

of your heart

That make you more

than the sum of your

parts

 

The One Path

to Anything

Everything

is under the nose’

and makes us breathless

 

I’m called by surfaces

they sing me

songs of pleasure

 

I run and run

sometimes I listen

getting caught in the pleasure prison

 

Measurable length

and width

We’re in a prism

 

Becoming what we love and hate

Giving over to focus,

re-membering

to spirit

or geography

 

Awareness is the division

of the north and the south

away from here

 

Wanting Feeling

for the wear and tear

for the body

for the people hurt

for the people helped

typical of Humans

 

Caught in a net of shadows

unaware of the true nature

delusions of

self grandeur

dribbling

through the cracks of the fortress

 

Now breaking the fortress to let it in

Realising that

I was born in sin

Getting Older

When our joints start grinding
On nights I tend to wander.
My joints didn’t used to hurt of bending
Grinding, grinding, every day
Getting older
Things I used to say,
Now I’m telling
To kids who nod and hear me
But don’t listen to a thing

You stare at yourself
The mirror is shining you back
Stubble and broader shoulders
Frame you in a way unfamiliar
Like sitting in a carriage
Full of strangers
Realising that you are one of them

Advice I was given
Schizm.
Empty truths
till Cliche’s became real one day
At the other end of a candle
Time is burning away
and I haven’t shown my light yet.

Only 19
But at 12 I was only 12 and planning my future
at 30 I’ll be working for play
and Maybe I’ll play till I work
but I’ll be too old for that

And no, I’ll say,
I’m only getting started
The days of being old have never begun
nor never departed
I do what I do because I do feel like doing it
Your words are your own
So keep on doing it

…Something anyway…

What you say
Is what you have to say
but I want to hear what
you
and everyone
has to say
because they have it
They’re all on their tracks
There’s no cover for it
Even with a sugar coat
It’s the meaning and
Time’s floating away with substance running out

Wandering about my joints now
I listened to them
they say take the main-stance and time will take you
He nodded, I listened.

That was the time I washed through my stance firmly
and found myself joined in the warm fluid
Moving
Getting older

-Ben

When We’re Tired

When we’re tired we just keep writing

When we’re tired the words don’t spill anymore

I look into my head and find something resembling foggy nothings

I find empty corridors and full closets

Tiredness is a word for ‘I don’t know’

Or the decisions I’ve made in the past week

Or the things I wish I could have written

I feel weak

My hope is that one day I will be rid of tiredness

Put an end to the problem of energy

One day inspiration will knock me upward

And I will have the perfect routine

And my body won’t fail me

And I’ll be living the dream, one day

…Tonight I’m tired though.

Tonight is the night where I stay up late and watch youtube videos,

because it will make me feel better.

Tonight I will cook broccoli at 1 in the morning,

because I’m hungry and I can’t eat breakfast.

And then I’ll eat sugar treats

because they taste nice

and I’m living life

WHY THE HELL DID HE DO THIS

I woke up at 12.

But

Wait

What

No

Am I failing my body?

I won’t fail my body.

won’t fail my body.

One day I will conquer my problems

I will start on a new day.

When I get to bed on time,

and I’m in the coffee shop at 7.

Tiredness is a problem for the week.

Try again on a tomorrow okay?

Keep writing

Keep wr

Keep

Ke

K

-Ben

The Way to Learn Skills

Skills within Skills within Skills. They are progressive, they are meticulous. A conscientious individual will find themselves with more than they came for if one continuous to practice in this way.

My Sifu once told me: ‘When you practice one technique, you are practicing them all’.

This is true of any skill. When you are learning a skill correctly, developing yourself in this area of your life, it has a cascading ripple effect onto the other areas of your life.

The approach that I have taken recently has been one of the slow and diligent learning of each individual technique that is presented to me to learn. Take the time to get each one perfect.

For example, my foremost martial art is Practical Wing Chun Kung Fu. During training, the temptation is to try and learn the most fancy and complex move possible. First and foremost this is because it looks cool, and feels ninja’y. However, those in class who really flourish at the martial art are those who take the time to practice the basics as if they were the end goal. They practice them as if they were hallowed, perfecting each tiny adjustment in order to have great structure and great power generation. They always are in the perfect shape and the advantageous position.

This approach to learning yields results. I would invite you to give it a try… To learn your piano scales as if they were the handling of a baby. As if each note required precision and great care; perfectly placed

This may take a week of practicing for 1-2 hours a day, but you continue in your daily practice once or twice a day when you have the chance, and you will get to a point of proficiency and ease. The scales will be in your hands. Now it is time for you to practice faster. When you get a note wrong, then you slow down a bit and work with mindfulness of this structural weakness in your skill… When you get it flowing with ease, you may speed it up more.

Then you move on to the next progression from the scale and apply the former into your music… Musical progressions.

‘Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice perfect.’ – Vince Lombardi

-Ben

Landmines

Nah no more selling myself for chocolate

for a sugar wrapped up

it boxes me into my own brain

a landmine of pleasure

it makes me tremor

(‘it’s plain that I think that I need it’?)

I used to measure my kale before it went in the steamer

all the cupboards were full of chicken and cottage cheese

my health was messy

I thought it couldn’t be cleaner

a counterculture to addiction

I created duality

More of me on a mission

it was creating my prison

the only answer to the energy I have to spend

was not to spend…

but my mind breaks into my problems

the ones it tries to mend

it rips them.

then i feel like a fool for not knowing,

but seeing is the only tool that I needed, no showing:

It performs itself in a moment of no judgement

Closed curtains open

No justification

The red is gone.

condemnation is a road to (‘a subtle’?) obliteration

I feel empty and heavy now that I ate the cake

a body shatters that I tried to make

my cloudy head chokes my sense

and all the steps I made.

I’m like the last runner tripping in the relay

Like a dog with a flat nose

I feel the pedigree of an addict-
going at it (‘biting back it’s’?)

Going rabbid in my thoughts..

fuck the feeling I want more-

-I always taught to listen to the feeling

cause the feeling has more meaning

than a thought could have

but now a thought has got me

by the throat

Needing a boat I rush down to the river

not for the water but the exercise…

I need to be thinner

Feeling like I’m pulled high and low at the same time

Fingers trembling

Hoping to find my feet in the future

So I can sink down from my dreams

To stop averting landmines of pleasure

Cause pleasure has no need to be pain

and I have no need to eat for leisure.

—————–

This is actually a first draft of a spoken word poetry piece that I have been working on a set for recently.

It felt appropriate to share it on this blog.

Stay strong. x

-Ben

One and Other

Light and grounded

Floor and emptiness

More can be said of nothing and something

than each of one another

 

lengthen the short

to shorten the long

feelings knew all along

 

they swam in the waves given them

moulding paths and shapes

each moulding one another

until indistinguishable

 

The mind takes view

it carves out a separation

makes one into two and 3 into 4

 

fixing problems, creating more two’s

intervening

until too many to hold

all collapse into each other

 

Feeling need of one and other

 

the shapeless circle continues

not fighting a mind for knowing

for there is nothing to know

and no mind to know it.

 

-Ben